Clear As Mud

Once upon a time, there was a wise old owl who everyone in the forest respected for always knowing what needed to be done and doing it.  One day an indecisive field mouse, torn between two choices, decided he would travel to see the wise old owl to learn his secret to clarity.  Upon arriving, the field mouse approached the owl and asked, “Wise old owl, how do you always know what is the right thing to do?  How do you have such clarity?”  “Clarity?!” scoffed the owl, “I have never known such a thing in my life, rather I have only done what I felt needed to be done and hoped what I did was right.  The only clarity one ever has is hindsight, if he is lucky enough to have that.”  It was upon these words that the owl swiftly gobbled up the field mouse.  “I see”, were the last words uttered by the mouse as the darkness of the owl consumed him.

Moral of the story:  Don’t seek advice from a hungry animal above you on the food chain or let a scientist write your children’s story.

Aesop I am not, may be the understatement of the century.  I probably won’t be writing or illustrating any children’s books, but I feel this illustrates a point that I have had consistent struggles with over the years: clarity, trust, and faith.  In the book Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning tells the story of Kavanaugh and Mother Teresa.  Kavanaugh one morning asks Mother Teresa to pray that he would have clarity.  At this Mother Teresa declined saying, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.”  When Kavanaugh asked how she always seemed to have such clarity she laughed and replied, “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust.  So I will pray that you trust God.”

Clarity. It seems as Christians we are always praying for it.  Lord, help me decide between these choices; make clear your path for me; show me what to do.  However, rarely do we stop to think that what we so desperately seek is quite contrary to what God requires of us: faith, trust. 

When we are certain of something, we immediately stop relying on anything else, and often make a fool of ourselves.  If I was certain that my flashlight works and the batteries are good, why would I carry a backup, or buy a lot of stock in candles?   So often in my faith when I become certain of the things God has for me in my life (the things I believe He has made clear), I immediately stop relying on Christ to fulfill it and began to create a plan to do it myself.  1 Corinthians 8:2 “If any man thinks that he knows something, he does not yet know as he should”.  Basically, if you think you know something, you’ve already missed the point.  So, in not relying on God and going ahead with my own plans, I neglect to wait on His timing and to fully see the fruition of His hand, embarking on a quest that was never truly given (at least not to the extent that I have made it to be).  So at this point you may ask what does all this have to do with Kenya?

In this season of preparation as I reflect on the mission Christ has placed in my heart years ago, I am reminded of all the times I have jumped the gun before.  Many times I have tried to make His mission my own instead of allowing Him to bring it to pass.  Looking back on it all, I am amazed at how different my mission and life would be if I would have continued with my headstrong ways and succeeded.  First and foremost, I would not be getting to undertake this journey with the love of my life that I could not do it without.  The building permits may not exist and we would not get to partner alongside of the Strangs who have taught us so much about the place we love and what it means to serve.   Nor, would I have learned, experienced, and grown with all the people I have grown to love over the last few years.  All of this has happened in His timing.

 I reflect on all of this even now as we prepare to go trying not to become rigid on all the details and struggling with issues of trust and faith.  Now that moving to Kenya is a reality, it is easy to become focused on making a plan and getting all the details “clear and in place.”  Because that’s what it is all about right, we Americans love our planners!  But are we trusting God with these things?  I struggle with this thought: Is it trusting God to account for all of our needs, total up a dollar amount and wait until he provides that exact amount to know we are fully cared for, or is that only a sort of half trust?  True, we are relying on Him to provide funds, but are we trusting Him fully enough to step out if they are not all there when it comes time to leave?  Is going without all our ducks in a row and letting God work in mysterious ways the way it is supposed to be?  Or sorely irresponsible?  Does my planning make me miss out on all the open doors and opportunities God has for me that far surpass my ideas and plans?  All these are questions that I continually wave between.  I often fear that we make our lists and plans, not leaving room for God to BE.  We are completely blind to the I AM.

So how do we operate without planning and fully trust?  How do we remain open to the fact that the area we plan on living may not be the best place for us to facilitate relationships, or that the ministry we think is best may not be needed or effective in their cultural context?  I don’t know.  And I think if I did I would have to reevaluate because I probably missed something.  So I pray, I hope, I trust, I think, I plan, and I learn I am wrong, so I bow down and pray some more.  I am not sure there is a solution other that that, and I think that’s what faith is for me.