Inadequate and Useless

Before I begin I want to preface that this is not a pity party, nor is it a cry for help. My self-esteem is fine and I know where my identity lies. However, talking to Audrey the other day, we came to the general consensus that in our current transitional point in life and ministry (in traveling, and language learning), we have begun to feel a little useless and a bit inadequate in our service. Which got me thinking, how does one prepare for ministry, especially a long-term ministry? It would be easier (not easy of course) for one to leave their home, jump into another culture, start ministering, go hard at it for a couple months, then go back home into their normal field of work, feeling tired and worn out, but accomplished none-the-less. This is the way most of my mission’s experiences have been; we come in, jump into a project, conquer, and head home. A feeling of satisfaction, but the question arises, what happens to the building, project, or people once I am gone?

This brings about the thought of long-term missions (which I am going to call mid-term missions) these are the one or two-termers (maybe 2-6 years) who have the idea of a longer vision, hoping to develop something that can be adopted and owned by the people they go to serve (this is where I would say we currently fall). It is the awkward stage of missions, as I think my wife would call it (Similar to her transitional lens glasses, somewhere between regular glasses and sunglasses, which is almost-but-not-yet. The look that always leaves you feeling super confident….). The reason I say this type of mid-term missions is awkward is because of the unknown. We want to learn the language to be more effective and speak to the hearts of the people we are coming to serve in their own tongue; however in order to do that it takes up an inordinate amount of time that could be spent ministering, especially if you pick a small obscure language that Rosetta Stone does not cover and cannot prepare before hand. You work on building relationships in the community, but people are unsure how much to invest in you because they are unsure how long you will be around. So you end up having very few real connections on the ground, and the ones you once had at home are fading a bit due to distance. If you are early in your years and career you have the tendency to be plagued by thoughts of how will this effect my resume, or what about the years I am missing in experience and savings? What about family, and having and raising kids, do you plan them for a furlough, or begin your family abroad, and what effects does that carry over into your family back home, and the young ones you will raise? Therefore, if you do not have proper training, you feel underprepared and inadequate at times, and if you spend your time preparing, you look at all the time that is being “lost” and may feel useless (a lose-lose situation).

Then comes the big, ever-question of sustainability, something every missionary longs for, what supporters want to know more about, but truthfully one of the hardest things, it seems, to accomplish. If you are going to leave at some point, it seems best to have a successor, for success without a successor, is failure. Or is it? Is a mission only successful if it carries on after the missionary is gone, or could it all be about the one person it touched? Do numbers matter in the long run, or are all the finances, work, and hard times worth it for only one? It is hard to justify to a room full of donors, but I think deep down it is definitely worth it, just hard to justify it in your mind sometimes. In my mind it seems the very thing we are called to do is to make disciples, to train up followers that can train others, thus perpetuating itself and becoming a sustainable mission. However, what do you do when the people you have come to serve won’t take initiative? What if they don’t buy in? Or what if they do buy in but do not want to put forth the effort? In our short time here in Kenya we have seen dozens of mission projects that were started with the best of intentions to meet a need in the community, the people were trained on how to carry about the mission, and to continue the good work of the project, but yet when the missionaries left, shortly after the project crumbled and disappeared. Yet, when you go into those same areas, with some of the resources still there, although a bit worse for wear, the people say, “Have you come to start back up the project? It was so good! It helped so much. Someone really should start it again…” The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Whose responsibility is it to perpetuate these “good works”? Occasionally, you may find a local individual with the skill and some vision to carry on (we recently met a 80 something year old Maasai man who is carrying on the torch of some missionaries of the past, but he is the only one, no one after him has caught the vision, or has the spark to take over in his old age). It seems these individuals with vision and gumption are few and far between.

If inspiring and discipling does not work, then the only other option is for the LONG termers. These are the missionaries who have committed their lives to serving abroad. These are the ones who have settled in their places of service, whose homeland is not the same as their children’s. They have learned the language through and through, seen scores of people and tried many a project, some have succeeded and some still floundering, but they are committed to the people and committed to their vision. In the wake of no successors they carry on trying to do the most good for the most people while they are still around, hoping the things they do and the people they touch will one day light the spark for another to carry the torch in their absence. This may not happen in their time there. These individuals may not get to see the fruit of their labor or their efforts blossom. However, as Paul says in Corinthians, “I planted, Apollos watered, but God causes the growth.” These seeds that have been planted, whether from short, mid, or long-termers, God may use them all and grow them into something far beyond our scope of vision. However, that may not always be comforting when we are hoping to see growth now, to see fruit, and abundance.

Bringing me to my longwinded point. In no attempt to pity myself, it is easy to feel useless and inadequate. We are young, inexperienced, somewhat unequipped and in our preparations sometimes it feels like we are wasting valuable time that could be spent working. In the wake of “failed” projects, broken people, and everyday trials it is easy to get discouraged. However, we deeply trust, as long as we are seeking Him, He will use all that we pour in, if we are faithful, to further His good work. It is just hard to see sometimes in the thick of it. Today I saw a picture that illustrated this point well. It had a man on a bike with a straight road and a finish line in sight, and it was captioned, “our view of life/ministry”. Then next to it there was a picture of the same man on the bike, a very short straight section of road, some hills, curves, ditches, mountains, oceans, cliffs with sharks at the bottom, and a finish line, and it said “God’s call to ministry”. It’s not that God wants us to suffer, but God prepares and equips us. Life, contrary to what we wish, is not a simple easy road. It is full of bumps, curves, trials, excitements, and disappointments, but God prepares us and guides us along the way, testing us and producing endurance. It’s just hard to see sometimes when you are in that ditch. And yet, we persevere and pray for those who will come along side us and carry the torch when we can no longer. We are all inadequate at times, and there are times I am sure we all feel useless, but the encouraging thing is that there is One greater than us working in and through us, even in our times of weakness and inadequacy. We have our confidence in this, in He who started this good work in and through us, will continue it until His perfect completion. While it may take a while to see we have faith that He is making all things, including us, new.